Chazz Petrella

"The Boy Who Should Have Lived"



STOP

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Kim’s BLOG

Terre Bleu Kinda Day....💙

FOMO (ANXIETY) VS. JOMO (DEPRESSION)


Today began as a particularly sad day.  I awoke to the realization that it was the first time in a decade that we would not be making the 3 hour trek to camp to visit our kids on Visitor’s Day.  We did just see our girls last weekend when they came home for a night off to help celebrate their brother’s 21st birthday surprise party, but I still couldn’t help but think of all the memories we have made together during our visits with them at camp (which was also once my home away from home), and there was no escaping my emotions when my newsfeed on Facebook has been flooded all weekend long with pictures of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles alike making their own special memories.


This past week was exhausting, overwhelming and extremely busy to say the least which led to my immune system being compromised and ended with a visit to the doctor where he was able to prescribe medicine for my physical symptoms but was unable to help with my emotional ones, something that haunts me everyday because it’s just another sad reminder that there simply is no magic pill for me.  And maybe part of my emotional pain this week was knowing that I wasn’t welcome at camp this summer because my kids are all staff now and even though I’ve had a year to prepare me for today I seemed to fall short. (see blog: Our Last Visitor’s Day; All Good Things Must Come To An End, July 23, 2018)


The funny thing is that over the past 5 years, Visitor’s Day has been very difficult for me to say the least and as much as I wanted to be there and see the happiness that radiates from their sun tanned faces, breathe in the country air and just be in the moment it’s something that is also beyond overwhelming and emotional for me too.  You see, suffering with Depression and Anxiety comes into play in almost every role and almost every situation I face every day, it’s a catch 22 of sorts and there is no escaping such circumstances when you battle with FOMO (anxiety) and JOMO (depression) all at once.


FOMO for those who don’t know is an acronym for the “Fear of missing out”.  It has certainly become a buzz word for many since our lives seem to revolve so much around the internet and social media nowadays.  It’s a fear of being excluded, a fear that others are living a better, more fulfilling life without you, it’s a fear of making wrong choices and it’s a fear of regret.  FOMO is extremely anxiety provoking and something that keeps me avoiding scrolling my Newsfeeds much these days. It is mentally draining some days. On the other hand I also suffer as I mentioned from JOMO (depression) or as the acronym states “Joy of Missing out".


JOMO is the complete opposite of FOMO as it describes the pleasure of taking a break from others, activities and social media in order to disconnect and take care of yourself.  It’s allowing yourself to be okay with taking a hiatus from the world around you and of course social media. Oftentimes it is a coping mechanism for someone like myself who suffers with depression, sometimes we have no choice but to remember that it’s okay.  


So today I left my FOMO and my JOMO behind and Rich and I headed out for the afternoon, not for our usual #summerofrich hikes but for some quiet time together away from the city, breathing in some country air and just being in the moment. And we found the perfect place to do just that called Terre Bleu Lavender Farm! Hope you enjoy the pics.


Please continue to follow my journey at http://youareenough712.wordpress.com

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KIM'S BLOG

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A HIKING WE WILL GO

A HIKING WE WILL GO!

This past week has been SUPER busy and SUPER stressful for me and so today felt like the perfect day to go for a hike and recharge before the start of a new week ahead (and there wasn't a cloud in the sky). We didn't venture too far from home like we often do by visiting The Rouge Valley Conservation Park right beside the Toronto Zoo. We became one with nature, climbed many hills, skipped rocks, walked down several unmarked paths, got lost numerous times, jumped through rivers and even came face to face with a snake (ask me which one of us screamed louder!)

Hiking has become a way for me to try and escape from the craziness in my head during the summer months. It's a way to help ease my day to day battle with depression and anxiety even if it's just for a few hours at a time. Hiking also has so many powerful benefits for our bodies, minds and souls and not to mention it's an amazing form of exercise with the added bonus of being an affordable way to disconnect from the stresses of our daily life. It can give you a whole new perspective, it's a healthy challenge, can boost your self-confidence when you are one with mother nature and is especially beneficial when you are able to be present in the moment. As difficult as many of the trails have been that we have done in the past few years or how much pain we may feel the next day, the sense of accomplishment of completing our hike together and planning for our next adventure makes it all worthwhile.
#summerofrich #hiking #selfcare #ichooseme #mentalillness #mentalhealth#mentalwellness #depression #anxiety
Please continue to follow my journey at: http://youareenough712.wordpress.com

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IT STILL HURTs... LOVE, THAT IS

KIMSTER

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DON‘T DO IT.....

I’ve being trying really hard to be strong lately while hiding behind my mask, even looking at the glass half full instead of completely empty but then in the blink of an eye it all came to a crashing halt. My emotions are running very deep right now and I feel like trying to hide behind my mask has just made things worse for me. I am feeling completely powerless over everything in my life today and it’s been a real reality check per say.

By trying to put on an act lately I figured others would be more willing to accept me without judgment but in reality hiding behind my mask has just overwhelmed me more than ever. As many of you know I moved recently (see blog: Moving Sucks; July 2, 2019) and the move itself has been a positive one as the energy around us is a gazillion times better than in our previous home (that’s a whole other story for another time) but now I am left feeling that my change of address should have been a cure for my anxiety and depression.

I truly wish that it was that simple, that somehow a fresh coat of paint on a wall or moving in general would signify that I could leave my illness behind and the pressure I’m experiencing from it has caused me to feel even less than okay. We all face pressure and live with a certain degree of stress in our daily life but when you add depression and anxiety into the mix we tend to add a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress on ourselves much of the time, most of which we do without even realizing we are doing it.

I have become my own worst enemy and self-sabotaging is something I excel at. The most dangerous part about self-sabotaging behaviour is that as I just mentioned above, we often do it in our subconscious. Subconsciously you feel like you are never good enough or that you don’t deserve happiness or that you are unworthy of success. And the best way to feed into these emotions is by continuing to wear that mask in order so that no one else will figure out that maybe it’s true, maybe you aren’t good enough, maybe you don’t deserve happiness and maybe you are unworthy of success.

I don’t want to wear my mask because I know that somewhere deep down inside I have come too far in my mission to help end the stigma surrounding mental illness and I have also helped many others take off their masks as well. But sometimes it just feels like a necessity to wear my mask in order to protect myself from my own worst enemy, which of course is ME and when I’m faced with these situations I need to somehow learn to kill my self-sabotaging ways with kindness in order to become my own best friend instead.

CHRIS CORNELL

ANOTHER STORY ABOUT THE STIGMA

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My WORDS by.....

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Monica Nasser

Hi everyone, 


Mental health is very prevalent in today's society, whether you have had to deal with it, or someone close to you.  You know that it is not a good feeling knowing the fact that the treatment offered for mental illness is not always the best.  We need to end this stigma around Mental Health!


My name is Monica Nasser and I have happily joined a committee with a wonderful group of women, with my daughter, Emily Nasser,  to raise awareness for my friend, Marisa Colosimo.  I am so honoured and grateful to have the chance to support her mission of opening a crisis centre with a welcoming atmosphere for people of all ages.  We want a place where people can walk in for help without feeling a sense of low self esteem, or ling considered a “stereotyped” person; no one wants to feel apart from others from something that they cannot control.  


With this being said, a Gala will be held this November 2019, to help raise funds that will be put towards a garden centre at Canadian Mental Health Association for their Crisis Centre that will be opened in the next  year!  HELP HOPE HEAL crisis centre is another vision we hope Marisa Colosimo and her foundation with open one day soon!


Tickets will be sold on the website or in person!

You can purchase the gala tickets at $130

and any other donations are greatly appreciated.  Lets all join together and stop the stigma, there’s still HOPE!


KIM"S BLOG Mental HEALTH ANSWERS MY WISH

My birthday came a few days early this year! Today I was blessed to receive a grant through a not for profit foundation which gives money to individuals and businesses to help support their mental health initiatives. They work closely with other organizations in the community in order to make dreams like mine come true. This grant that I have received today will be given directly to the publication of my book and to help me achieve goals and outreach above and beyond what I could have ever imagined when I first began writing my children's book over 18 months ago.  I have so many people to thank for helping to expedite this and for also recognizing the impact in which my book could have on so many individuals and families whose lives have been touched by mental illness. This would not have been made possible at all without the unbroken bond and never-ending support of my very dear friend who was instrumental in connecting me with her friend who works closely with the foundation itself and in turn, upon hearing about my project her friend spent many countless and selfless hours ensuring I secure this grant (the foundation wishes to remain private). And lastly, a special shoutout to CAMH (Centre For Addiction and Mental Health) from which the grant money is actually being given by. This means so much to me and my family, more than I could ever honestly put into words. I will have books available in just a few more weeks! Thank you for continuing to be such an important part of my journey.

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ELLE"S WORDS FINALLY

PLEASE PRESS PLAY

what a lose to... Ocd

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IN MEMORY OF LANCE: OUR BROKEN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM


IN MEMORY OF LANCE: OUR BROKEN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM

A couple of weeks ago I shared a post on Facebook which originated from the York Regional Police website in regards to a missing person in Thornhill.  It’s sadly not uncommon to see such posts being shared by so many of us but this time around for me it wasn’t just a nameless face I was staring at on the screen but instead it was a face of a man that I had known since I was 8 years old.  We both moved to Thornhill around the same time and attended the same Elementary and High School together. Our paths first crossed the year I had moved from Montreal and Lance had immigrated all the way from South Africa.

When the initial shock wore off I quickly became flooded with memories of a guy I once considered a friend. I remembered how funny he was, I remembered his beautiful smile, I remembered how disciplined he was, I remembered what a thriving gymnast he was (through his adolescent and teenage years he worked his butt off as a gymnast with the Canadian National Gymnastics team), I remembered how he fought so hard to pursue his dreams to the fullest and I remembered how much all the girls in Elementary school chased after him. And although we had gone our separate ways after High School I never forgot about my friend Lance and all those memories.

The only real contact we have had in the last 10 plus years was through Social Media but other than knowing he had become a lawyer, I didn’t know much more.  He kept a very quiet presence on Facebook and I had no idea that a few days later after seeing his missing person picture all over Facebook that I would learn his fate and that Lance was no longer considered a missing person but instead that he had succumb to his battle with mental illness.  

Every time I hear about another suicide it completely throws me into a tailspin but when I read about Lance’s lifelong struggles today through an article that was recently written by a Crime and Justice Reporter in connection to an interview conducted with both Lance’s mom and dad I became even more angry and even more saddened to learn the details of his pain and suffering. He battled with many mental illnesses, but his severe OCD is what began his demise, crippling his ability to function and ultimately leading to other diagnosis’s of depression and anxiety.

His parents talk at great length in the article about Lance’s struggle to find the proper treatment he so desperately yearned for and their heartbreaking words so sadly resonated with me, knowing that I face the same obstacles everyday with that same broken Mental Healthcare System. Their words made me feel so disheartened for him and every other individual struggling to find that proper treatment. It is so distressing just knowing how many other people like Lance or myself also feel so ostracized and stigmatized because of their mental illness.

The sad reality is that Lance’s story isn’t an isolated one, I mean I talk in great length and often about how broken our Mental Healthcare System is and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better with each new day or each new obstacle I face. This is why it’s more important than ever to talk, cry or shout about how badly our system is failing you or maybe your mom, your brother, your best friend or your own child. We have to be the voice and keep fighting to let all the Lance’s out there know that their lives were not lost in vain.

Feel free to read the article I referenced
https://www.yorkregion.com/news-story/9223123-frustration-of-life-health-care-system-claims-thornhill-athlete-ocd-sufferer/

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The word “Enough” can be used to express just about anything but since suffering with Depression and Anxiety it seems to be one of the most overused words in my daily negative self-talk. Everyday my inner critic tells me stories and of course my most favorite one of all is when it tells me that “I’m not good enough”. It also loves to remind me that “I’m not worthy enough”, “smart enough”, “capable enough”, “attractive enough” or even “skinny enough”.

Life has been testing me a lot lately, like way more than ever before and it’s really hard to remember when the last time was that I actually felt like I was “good enough”, “worthy enough”, “smart enough”, “capable enough”, “attractive enough” or even “skinny enough” and I have to tell ya, it’s beyond exhausting and overwhelming.

A couple of years ago I designed a logo (see picture) with the help of my husband’s friend which conveys a simple yet powerful message to each and every person suffering with a mental illness which reads; “YOU ARE ENOUGH”. I have since adopted this logo to several other aspects of my life including the name of my blog.

This is not a new phrase by any means but one that means a lot to me, a message that needs repeating each and every day. “You Are Enough” does not mean that you are without flaws, it does not mean that you are all done evolving, it does not mean that you are perfect, it does not mean that you have everything you want, it does not mean that you don’t have any weaknesses and it does not mean that you can’t still make plenty of mistakes.

What “You Are Enough” does mean however is that you are “good enough”, “worthy enough”, “smart enough”, “capable enough”, “attractive enough” or even “skinny enough” no matter what your struggles or imperfections may be. It means that no matter what you may be thinking or feeling, you have nothing to prove to the world because you are who you are and that is more than “good enough”. It also means that no matter what, you have a purpose and that being you is the best damn person you can be, not to mention, the bravest one too.

I am continually being told that “I Am Enough” just the way I am and even though I may not be able to see it or think it or feel it I certainly hear it. Hearing the words “You Are Enough” reminds us that whatever you did today, whatever you felt today or whatever you thought today was okay, maybe it was even more than okay, maybe it was f@*king awesome because that means that being you, whoever you are; “You Are Enough”.

What does being “Enough” mean to you?

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THANK YOU FOR 12 YEARS... OF LAUGHER

KIM NEWMAN FLUXGOLD BLOGGER

THE BIG BANG THEORY” DEFINES FAMILY


I had a good cry last night, it wasn’t just any cry, it was one of those really ugly cries. It was the kind of cry you have when you feel like you’ve just lost your best friend, which is kinda how I felt.



Last night was the series finale of “The Big Bang Theory” which is now one of the longest running Television Series in TV history and probably my most favorite of all. For twelve seasons I have watched “The Big Bang Theory” every Thursday night without fail (thank goodness for PVR’s) and I watch it regularly in reruns too (it might even border a bit on the obsessive side). I have undoubtedly seen the first 10/11 seasons at least a dozen times each by now (but who’s kidding who, it’s WAY more than that, right Rich?).



“The Big Bang Theory” centered around four socially awkward friends who in its very first episode befriends a beautiful aspiring actress/waitress when she moves in across the hall from two of them. They have absolutely nothing in common with one another yet somehow build relationships that many could only dream of having. Over time, several other key and supporting characters were also introduced into the mix and together over the course of twelve seasons we watched them grow into one big family. 



Throughout the years “The Big Bang Theory” taught us so much about Science, Superheros and Star Wars but most of all it taught us so many important life lessons. It taught us that girls can be anything and do anything, it taught us that it’s okay to be different or quirky, it taught us about kindness, it taught us to reach for the stars, it taught us about acceptance and friendship and most of all it taught us the true definition of family.



Family can no longer be defined in the traditional sense of the word as two parents and children living together in one household because in today‘s complex world that is just simply unacceptable. And furthermore, who wants to believe that anyway. 

Family also means a lot more than just being related by blood or marriage and “The Big Bang Theory” proved this to their audiences week after week right up until finale night. You know the old saying “You can’t choose your family”; well that is of course unless you redefine the word “Family” like these characters did. 



The characters all had complicated and unconventional relationships with their parents and siblings which often made for some super funny episodes but who they relied on day after day as their confidants, who they spent holidays and birthdays with, who they shared their successes and failures with, who they reached out to whenever they needed a shoulder to cry on were their friends, the ones they chose to be their family. 



I know what it feels like when friends become family. I have been lucky enough to know that feeling many times throughout my life. It’s the people in your life who want you to be in theirs, it’s the ones who accept you for who you are; imperfections and all, it’s the ones who go out of their way to make you smile and it’s the ones who love you no matter what. That’s what the true meaning of family is all about and that is what I will take away from watching all 279 episodes of “The Big Bang Theory”. 



The final episode did not disappoint and it went out with a “Big Bang” and one last “Bazinga” but I’m still not ready to say goodbye. I’m really gonna miss tuning in each and every week to watch my Thursday night family continue to evolve but at least I know that they are just one click of a button away in reruns.



How do you define the word Family?


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Gone but not forgotten

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KIM NEWMAN FLUXGOLD BLOGGER

March 19th, 2019 by Kim Newman Fluxgold

Please check out my latest blog below or go to http://youareenough712.wordpress.com


IN MEMORY OF LANCE: OUR BROKEN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM 


A couple of weeks ago I shared a post on Facebook which originated from the York Regional Police website in regards to a missing person in Thornhill.  It’s sadly not uncommon to see such posts being shared by so many of us but this time around for me it wasn’t just a nameless face I was staring at on the screen but instead it was a face of a man that I had known since I was 8 years old.  We both moved to Thornhill around the same time and attended the same Elementary and High School together. Our paths first crossed the year I had moved from Montreal and Lance had immigrated all the way from South Africa. 


When the initial shock wore off I quickly became flooded with memories of a guy I once considered a friend. I remembered how funny he was, I remembered his beautiful smile, I remembered how disciplined he was, I remembered what a thriving gymnast he was (through his adolescent and teenage years he worked his butt off as a gymnast with the Canadian National Gymnastics team), I remembered how he fought so hard to pursue his dreams to the fullest and I remembered how much all the girls in Elementary school chased after him. And although we had gone our separate ways after High School I never forgot about my friend Lance and all those memories. 


The only real contact we have had in the last 10 plus years was through Social Media but other than knowing he had become a lawyer, I didn’t know much more.  He kept a very quiet presence on Facebook and I had no idea that a few days later after seeing his missing person picture all over Facebook that I would learn his fate and that Lance was no longer considered a missing person but instead that he had succumb to his battle with mental illness.  


Every time I hear about another suicide it completely throws me into a tailspin but when I read about Lance’s lifelong struggles today through an article that was recently written by a Crime and Justice Reporter in connection to an interview conducted with both Lance’s mom and dad I became even more angry and even more saddened to learn the details of his pain and suffering. He battled with many mental illnesses, but his severe OCD is what began his demise, crippling his ability to function and ultimately leading to other diagnosis’s of depression and anxiety.


His parents talk at great length in the article about Lance’s struggle to find the proper treatment he so desperately yearned for and their heartbreaking words so sadly resonated with me, knowing that I face the same obstacles everyday with that same broken Mental Healthcare System. Their words made me feel so disheartened for him and every other individual struggling to find that proper treatment. It is so distressing just knowing how many other people like Lance or myself also feel so ostracized and stigmatized because of their mental illness.


The sad reality is that Lance’s story isn’t an isolated one, I mean I talk in great length and often about how broken our Mental Healthcare System is and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better with each new day or each new obstacle I face. This is why it’s more important than ever to talk, cry or shout about how badly our system is failing you or maybe your mom, your brother, your best friend or your own child. We have to be the voice and keep fighting to let all the Lance’s out there know that their lives were not lost in vain.


Feel free to read the article I referenced 
https://www.yorkregion.com/news-story/9223123-frustration-of-life-health-care-system-claims-thornhill-athlete-ocd-sufferer/

KIM'S DAILY BLOG

KIMS WEEKLY BLOG

ON MICHAEL LANDSBERG

Please check out my latest blog below and continue to follow my journey at http://youareenough712.wordpress.com


MY EVENING WITH MICHAEL LANDSBERG
Last night Rich and I attended a speaking engagement at a nearby Synagogue in Toronto where the guest of honour was Michael Landsberg. This was just one of many speaking engagements Michael does throughout the year all across Canada and from all walks of life, but it was the first time I was finally able to attend. As many of you reading this may already know, Michael is a Sportscaster and former Anchor for TSN’s “Off The Record” and current host of an early morning radio show called “First Up” but to me he is so much more than all that. To me, and to so many others, Michael has become one of the most notable voices throughout Canada in the Mental Health community.


Through Michael’s own struggles with Depression and Anxiety over the last 20 years he has managed to turn his natural ability for public speaking toward helping others find their own voices. He became one of the first keynote speakers for Bell Let’s Talk Day at its conception and while at one of his speaking engagements about 10 years ago Michael declared, “Obviously I am sick, but I sure as hell am not weak.  I am sick, not weak.” And from those very real words his not-for-profit organization #sicknotweak.com was eventually born in 2016.


#sicknotweak.com has many objectives but it’s main one is loud and clear.  Michael wants the world to understand that mental illness is a sickness, NOT a weakness and he can be seen spreading this message and many other inspirational ones on his daily VLOG which he does 364 days per year (he takes 1 day off per year). He does his VLOG most days from the comfort of his own home in Toronto and is sometimes in the company of special guests like his own son who also openly discusses his struggles with mental illness too (and now his new puppy Wrigley makes a daily appearance as well and will bring a smile to your face no matter what kind of a day you are having).


I first started following Michael’s story a few years ago and I now look forward to listening to his short yet informative and heartfelt VLOG’s every day along with his many insightful posts and tweets at #sicknotweak.com and @heylandsberg.  I feel very much a part of his community and I have even had several of my own blogs posted to their Facebook page in the past couple of years. 


Yesterday was one of those days that my depression and anxiety were too much to handle for me (unfortunately lately I’ve been experiencing a lot more bad days than good ones) but I have wanted to see Michael speak in person for quite some time now and I have wanted to meet him even more than ever before and so last night with some much needed encouragement (from my therapist) I was able to do so and it was everything I had hoped it would be and more.  


Before he began speaking to the crowd my husband and I were fortunate enough to meet him personally. I shared with him a brief look into my journey and told him how much I appreciate the work he does for the mental health community. He gave me a hug (of course he asked me first!) and we took our seats. He spoke for a good hour and followed it up with a question period from the audience where strangers shared personal anecdotes and struggles proving that TOGETHER we can end the stigma surrounding mental illness. 
During the hour that Michael spoke he was witty, charismatic and beyond sincere in his message. EVERY single word that he spoke resonated with both Rich and I, almost as though we were the only two people in the room.  After he finished speaking, much of the audience crowded around him to speak to him on a more personal level, some about sports and some about mental illness (he was missing the Raptor’s game for this, but it’s ok cuz they lost!).  He had said to me when we spoke earlier that evening to come talk to him again afterwards and he really meant it because when it came to our turn he excused himself from the rest of the crowd and walked away with us to a more private area to talk some more.  



As crazy as it may sound, I feel like I made a new friend last night, someone who I could reach out to if I ever need a little extra support from someone who genuinely understands my daily struggle and who genuinely understands what depression really feels like because sometimes speaking to someone who genuinely understands your very confusing, isolating and often frightening emotions can truly make all the difference in someone else’s day, I know it did for me.  



Please follow #sicknotweak on Facebook and @heylandsberg on Twitter.

AND ME THE BLOGGER KIM F. http://youareenough712.wordpress.com

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